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I?m Sorry! Blame-Game or Accountability?
A powerful tool for health as we approach the new year can be to focus on giving and/or receiving only real apologies when we want to heal a rift with a family member, friend, or co-worker. We hear apologies all the time, but I don't think many of them are sincere. An apology has to be real to heal. Trang Lei spent the day helping Martha buy furniture and art for her remodeled living room, but Martha never even offered to buy Trang Lei's lunch and so she felt unappreciated. Later when she told Martha she felt hurt, Martha said, "I'm sorry. I was just so excited about what I was buying that I did not even think about it." Trang Lei did not feel better. In fact, she felt worse. Martha's apology came with a built-in excuse, implying that however she behaved was unintentional-beyond her conscious control. Moreover, Martha has an expectation that Trang Lei will accept the excuse. Thus, Martha perpetuates the original problem by continuing to be more focused on herself than on Trang Lei. I call this kind of apology "Sorry-Excuse." Even Martha wasn't consciously manipulating, her goal was not to take responsibility but to find a way out of it. In most cases, if you don't accept other people's excuses when they apologize, they will quickly get irrupted at you, blaming you for not being understanding. When we receive a counterfeit apology we often sense it and so rather than the hurt being healed, it is deepened-as in the old saying, "adding insult to injury." I think almost all of us give such apologies. And we model it for our children. Guidelines for making real apologies: One: Identify common formats for apology that are" counterfeit." If you clearly various types of bogus apologies, it will help you recognize when you give or receive an one. Here are some examples of common phrasing.
Two: Only say "I'm sorry," when you mean it and can specify exactly what you are apologizing for When we give what I believe is a "healthy" or authentic apology, we can state clearly what we did that was disrespectful or inconsiderate without:
For example, instead of focusing on why she did not buy Trang-Lei's lunch-her excuse, Martha could have taken full responsibility, saying, "I'm so sorry I hurt you. There is no excuse for me to forget to buy your lunch. Even that would have been a small thank you for how much you helped me. And you spent your only day off doing it." Here, Martha uses her apology to show her real appreciation as well as her sadness that she did not do so earlier. Three: Decline to accept an apology that is not given sincerely. When you accept an apology, and then walk away knowing it wasn't real, you enter a world of make-believe where you pretend an issue is resolved while harboring resentments. Gently, firmly, without anger, you can decline a hollow apology. For example:
When you refuse to accept an insincere apology, you refuse to surrender to being manipulated or pacified and you hold the other person more accountable-without having to argue or try to force an apology. You are likely to feel greater confidence. Real Apologies Build Character and Respect If we can change how we give and receive apologies, we can become less defensive, gain insight, grow wiser, and strengthen all of our relationships. We can also, then, be a strong model for others, including our children, teaching them that real apologies show strength of character, gain the respect of others, and have great healing power. About The Author This article is based on the book Taking the War Out of Our Words by Sharon Ellison, available through your local bookstore or favorite online bookseller. Sharon Ellison, M.S. is an award winning speaker and international consultant.
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Alternative Medicine I?m Sorry! Blame-Game or Accountability? A powerful tool for health as we approach the new year can be to focus on giving and/or receiving only real apologies when we want to heal a rift with a family member, friend, or co-worker. We hear apologies all the time, but I don't think many of them are sincere. An apology has to be real to heal. The End of Psychotherapy In two articles entitled "We Are Not Our Personalities" and "Eliminating The Past" I make the point that it is now possible to "dismantle" all the life experience that is stored in the human bio-field, i.e. in our consciousness , with all its ensuing consequences. Subconscious Drives Make You Unhappy Feelings and emotions are nerve impulses. Randomness of Human Thought Random thought Sequence in the Human Mind. I want to comment on an article about Random Sequence in the Mathematical Association of America Newsletter in January 2002. A lot of philosophical talk has been spent over these notions and many have tried to put a specific analytical answer to the question. Even Bill Gates loves to play cards probably due to the mathematical tendencies of probability. Within the confines of chaos, mathematicians have always tried to explain things of chance, game theory, probability, randomness, luck. Birds in the Room Alter Sleep Patterns of Humans Birds have always been considered good pets of modern day humans. It seems our living in close proximity may have given us a closer bond than we know. There are many reports, which have been collected of birds having a psychic connection with their owners. Others poo poo the idea as utter non-sense, but the studies done scientifically seem to prove that there are connections between humans and birds with regards to the normal and natural telepathy abilities of both species. Do You Love Your Body? Through out the course of one's life one is faced with and accumulates a history of emotional trauma that becomes stored in ones's energy field. Such trauma poses many problems. These include such things as emotional and physical pain, chronic stress, a drain in one's vital life energy and the tendency for the individual to take flight from the physical body. In this article I hope to address the latter, its consequences and a new modality that may be able to reverse this tendency. Narcissistic Personality Disorder - Who is a Malignant Narcissist? QUESTION Number 1 - Who is a Narcissist? Synchronized Swimming Advantage for Twins The Olympic Contests for Synchronized Swimming are a testament to the natural human ability of telepathy. What we find in College and University Level synchronized swimmers thru observation and data of the top athletes is that those teams which have been long time friends seem to have a mind connection, which far surpasses generally accepted scientific knowledge. Those synchronized swimmers that are twins have even a greater advantage, as results show that twins are often some of the top performers in the sport. These observations are quite obvious and statistically too high to be coincidence. A Jungian Approach to Mental Illness All of us suffer from some form of emotional distress at some stage. Some forms of distress can last longer than they should and may significantly impair our everyday functioning. If this persists, we may be suffering from a mental illness or mental disorder (like depression, or anxiety). We can better understand this by comparing a mental illness such as depression, with a case of the flu it pervades our daily life with painful symptoms. Animal to Animal Telepathy There has been much study on Telepathy in the animal kingdom. Many have experienced telepathy from human to human. Some have experienced telepathy from pets, both sending and even on rare occasion receiving. There are so many studies that show it is not coincidence or explainable by probability. In fact the statistics are so strong that after reading only a few studies and pitting that against your own observations in your ego-centric life experience that any normal human would have to agree. Creating A Winning Mindset Do you know anyone who always wins? Sure you know that person, everything just works out for them. They go into business and they are an instant success. They enter the dating scene and their phone rings off the hook. If they were in the Olympics, you just know they wouldn't settle for anything less than the gold. It seems as though they always win. Christian Psychotherapy for Convicts? Repeated research studies have revealed that secular efforts at rehabilitation have been unsuccessful in preventing recidivism. Not one of the various approaches to psychological counseling has been able to demonstrate success statistically in helping inmates rehabilitate. Among nearly 300,000 prisoners released in 15 states in 1994, 67.5% were re-arrested within 3-years. A study of 1983 releases estimated 62.5% (Langan and Levin, Bureau of Justice Statistics, June 2002). Split Personality - A Myth or a Reality? Introduction What is the Theory of Multiple Intelligences? Part 2: Cultural Influence Howard Gardner's theory of multiple intelligences developed as he worked with brain injured adults and autistic children. He identified distinct portions of the brain that control specific human abilities or talents like analysis, classification, speech, self-awareness, etc. He has identified eight distinct abilities that he refers to as "intelligences": verbal-linguistic, logical-mathematical, spatial, bodily-kinesthetic, musical, interpersonal, intrapersonal, and the naturalist. In addition to the biological basis for these intelligences, Gardner also places great emphasis on cultural influences that may impact the development of each intelligence. The Diagnosis Myth Although I risk dissension by doing so, I must say something that I think many of us in the mental health community have acknowledged for quite some time: every single diagnosis of a mental disorder is fallible. Posttraumatic Stress Disorder: Nightmare After The Ordeal Sarah is a 28 y/o accountant who had a traumatic past that she kept to herself. At age 15, she was grabbed by a masked man while she was jogging in a park. The man threatened to kill her with a knife and brutally raped her. She screamed but nobody seemed to have heard her. Is China Testing Bio Weapons on Its Own People? Well the conspiracy theorists are out in full force I see. I had an interesting meeting the other day at a coffee shop and talked with a highly paranoid chap, who claimed to have some real insider information. He said that the Chinese were experimenting with their own populations with new vaccines for bird flu. He later said that an experiment with the N5H1 strain in a South Eastern province yielded better than expected results and they were forced to quarantine the area and kill thousands of birds and nearly 200 humans. He also said that they made mandatory the vaccination of all families in the vicinity to test their newest vaccine on the N5H1 Bird Flu strain. Kids and Lifebooks: Tips for Social Workers Every child who is adopted from foster care deserves a clear, detailed record of his or her life prior to adoption. While a foster child is waiting for a forever family, a lifebook can help her to make sense of the past and prepare to go forward. The Myth of Mental Illness "You can know the name of a bird in all the languages of the world, but when you are finished, you'll know absolutely nothing whatever about the bird? So let's look at the bird and see what it's doing that's what counts. I learned very early the difference between knowing the name of something and knowing something." Panic Attacks: Effective Ways to Cope Jill is a 21 y/o college student who used to do well until about a few months ago when she started to experience "weird" attacks almost daily. She described her experience as "horrible." When she has the attack, she feels that she's about to die or develop a stroke.
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